Surrender in Sobriety

When I was new to sobriety, I took a coffee commitment at a local 12-step meeting, where I was to make coffee for the thirsty crowd of misfits. It was a once-a-week, six-month stint which I truly adored. I had to arrive by 6 a.m. to prep for the gathering of hugging and loving that was about to take place at 6:45.

I have never seen so many happy people in my life as I see at an early morning meeting. It makes me smile just thinking about it. Gratitude fills the air and hugs are the only way to greet someone.

The room was quiet from about 6 to 6:30 a.m. There were a few people who would show up early to share a cup of coffee and enjoy the quiet of the morning.

It was during this time that I met a very eccentric man who attended the meeting. He came early, and we forged a friendship over our common quest of sobriety and the love of dogs. He had a French Bulldog and was planning to have some puppies. Our conversations were consumed with all things dog, and he promised me a puppy.

It was about a year later that he asked me to come get my new puppy. And this is where I got Stitch.

Stitch joined a clan of women when he came to live with us. There was me and my two Boston Terrier seniors, Blossom and Buttercup.

And then…there was Stitch! Eight weeks old and shy (at first). He started feeling more comfortable in his new environment and by one year, he was full of vim and vigor…chewing off the corner of every piece of wood furniture I had. I didn’t know it at the time, but rounded corners are better for the Feng Shui of your home, so Stitch was just helping me achieve optimal Fung Shui.

In his adolescent years, Stitch had a lot of energy. He would literally run around the house and jump on the couch, wriggling all over. It was as if he was filled with an inner restlessness that he just couldn’t release.

I wish this blog was in video format because I do a great imitation of Stitch gone wild. He made noises and slithered and slid all over the couch trying to find some relief from the inner turmoil of being a puppy in a house full of seniors!

In my early years of sobriety (and let me preface this by noting that I am still very much in my early years), I sometimes find myself wriggling all over the place internally.

I often feel like Stitch when he was a puppy. In my first two years sober, I definitely felt like this a lot. But I have recently had a bout of restlessness that took me straight back to feeling like Stich on the couch…a mind racing so fast and furious…worry, remorse, wanting, future-tripping, etc., etc.

There is a section in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous called the Doctor’s Opinion where Dr. Silkworth describes alcoholics this way:

“They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks.”

Irritable. Restless. Discontent.

It’s funny…I remember being a bit discontent and restless in my 20s and 30s. But, as Dr. Silkworth wrote, it wasn’t anything that a few drinks couldn’t relieve.

My restlessness usually reveals itself in my career. Until now, my career was what I used to define myself. If I were successful in business, then I felt like a success in life. I put so much emphasis on it, and I was driven. But I was always restless…always looking for the next big thing that would make me happy. Always seeking more of a soul connection to my work.

But it didn’t seem so overwhelming at the time…nothing that a bottle of Smirnoff Red couldn’t relieve.  Ugh. Seriously? Yes. Smirnoff Red at the end of my drinking career…STRAIGHT. OUT. OF. THE. BOTTLE.

This past year has been humming along just fine until about a month ago. I found myself feeling restless and discontent…wondering (once again) what is my true purpose? What was I called to this earth to do? Is this it?

These are the same thoughts I had in my 20s and 30s but today there is no Smirnoff Red. There are no cigarettes! (Ben and Jerry offer a bit of relief, but it is short-lived, just like alcohol.)

And these thoughts can run wild. When let loose, they are like Stitch chasing squirrels. He’s wild, unrelenting, and at risk.

This last week, the thoughts were too much…and the third part of this equation came into play…IRRITABLE.

A solution for my restlessness in sobriety.

There is a solution for this problem of being restless, irritable and discontented. And, it is only in the silence that I am able to reconnect to the solution. It is God. It is faith. It is connecting to the source. It is writing.

I find answers through prayer. I find answers through writing. God speaks to me through the pen.

Today, I surrender.

What a relief.