I deserve this.

Yes! I deserve this martini…this bottle of wine…these two bottles of wine…this Smirnoff straight out of the plastic bottle.

I had a long week. I worked really hard. I sold some big accounts. I broke up with my boyfriend. I got a new boyfriend. It didn’t matter if the news was good or bad, or significant or meaningless, I always felt it deserved to be toasted.

It’s something I used to think and say often. I deserve this cocktail—this devil’s elixir. In fact, give me another. And another. And another. I deserve this.

Someone shared with me recently that she always felt like she deserved a drink. And, it really got me thinking about the word “deserve” and also about the drink that I was rewarding myself with.

Definition of deserve.

According to Webster, “deserve” means to do something or have or show qualities worthy of reward or punishment.

Aha! There it is—reward or punishment.

All of the sudden when this person was sharing that she deserved a drink, everything became crystal clear for me.

The idea of deserving the mental, physical and spiritual smackdown that I was going to unleash on myself by drinking a quart of vodka or a few bottles of wine all make perfect sense to me now.

When I arrived at sobrieties doorstep, I had no self-esteem and I felt worthy of nothing. I was a broken soul with no idea how to recover or if it were even possible.

Of course, I felt deserving of the “punishment” I was going to voluntarily inflict upon myself with King Alcohol. I knew what was to come. The tape never changed, and it was the same story night after night.

When I was close to or at my bottom, the only thing I could imagine myself deserving of was a massive hangover, red and swollen eyes, a parched mouth and complete wondering of what transpired during the blackout the night before.

And, this my friends, is what I thought I deserved. This was my reward for being alive one more day—another brutal beating by my dear friend alcohol. Disguised as a prize and undiscerning, alcohol proved to be my most insidious relationship ever.

I realized this week how truly broken I was when I got here, feeling as though I deserved this hellish life.

Deserve to Detox

Fast forward to today. I began a detox cleanse one week ago to attempt to jumpstart a healthier way of living.

If you must know, I have been living off of coffee and Ben and Jerry’s for the last six months. I have been drinking coffee all day along until about 4 p.m. I would then grab my dinner from the local liquor mart—a pint of Ben and Jerry’s every night for about six months.

That’s it. That was my nutritional intake for about six months. And, guess what? I didn’t feel well. I didn’t feel well at all.

And, do you want to know what I thought about my diet? I deserve this.

What?

Yes, you guessed it. I deserve this.

Once again, here I was beating myself down with toxic food. It may not have been alcohol, but it was self-destructive and sabotaging for sure.

In fact, I have been in a slight depression for several weeks.

Hmmm…I wonder if my diet or lack-thereof has anything to do with my negative mindset?

So, I decided to join in on a 30-day cleanse as a jumpstart to healthier living. I began last week, and it hasn’t been too hard so far. I have eliminated caffeine, sugar, gluten, soy, and dairy.

Now, I did suffer from a massive caffeine withdrawal headache for at least four days. It hurt so bad that I have sworn off caffeine forever (I used to do the same thing when I had a super bad hangover.)

I know that using words like “forever” don’t work for me. I truly have to take things one day at a time.

But, today…seven days into my cleanse, I feel light and healthy. I feel uplifted and connected to spirituality. I feel really good about my choices. THIS is what I deserve. I deserve the reward (which for me is green juice and healthy nutritional choices.)

What have you thought that you deserved? Really take a look at it. Is it truly a reward or is it a punishment (a beatdown of sorts)?

Today, my depression has lifted. My esteem feels strong. I feel deserving of this goodness I am ingesting. I deserve foods dense in nutrients. I deserve lots of water to cleanse my systems and my soul.

I am incredibly grateful for my sobriety. And, I am now at a point where I can work on doing the most with this second chance I have been given at life. I deserve it.

And, so do you.