My first job out of college was an insurance adjuster position.
For those of you wondering what an insurance adjuster does—they basically decide if you are going to receive any money and how much when you submit a claim to an insurance company.
Wow!
Just writing the description of an adjuster is quite revealing to me. I was in charge of deciding how much money people would receive from an insurance claim. It’s ironic to me because I have had issues with money my whole life.
I am going to save my “money” issues post for another day.
So, how do you decide if someone will receive money or not and how much money to give? You crawl under wet and mildewed houses with the mice and spiders to inspect leaky pipes. You climb rooftops to count how many shingles were stolen by the wind in the latest storm. You recreate the scene of an accident by interviewing people, going to the site and determining who was at fault.
I hated that job.
But I did kind of love climbing rooftops. I felt pretty cool that I could hoist a heavy commercial ladder, folded into quarters, out of my trunk and use it to scale the walls up onto the roof. You should have seen me with that ladder. It was 16 feet tall and super top heavy. Little ole me holding it at the bottom and trying to maneuver the ladder to balance it on the roof’s edge reminds me of a circus clown wobbling about.
As I mentioned, this was my first job out of college. I had a supervisor who trained me, and her name was Ruth. We worked for a fairly large company, and everyone loved Ruth. There is something about her that made you feel okay, even when you had no idea what you were doing.
By the way, she later told me that I was really, really bad at insurance adjusting. 🙂 Believe me. I knew. I hated that job so much, so how could I possibly be any good at it.
After a year and a half of climbing roofs and racing to accident scenes, I was promoted into a sales position. Hurray and hallelujah!
I had to move to the branch office in Phoenix, AZ and I got to spend a lot more time with Ruth. I was new to this great big city (and I am a small-town girl). Ruth took me under her wing, as she did everyone, and I felt okay in this metropolis where no one knew my name.
One day the entire staff was called into a large conference room where the company was going to make an announcement. There I sat with my colleagues gossiping and kibitzing when Ruth rose to address all of us.
She was leaving the company. She was going to work for a competitor of our firm.
What?!
I literally burst into tears and ran out of the conference room.
Ruth, the mother figure to all of us, was leaving us. It was the worst abandonment I had ever felt. Real and raw.
I couldn’t go to work the next day. I was devastated.
They say that alcoholics stop growing emotionally at the age they had their first drink. I was fourteen when I had my first black-out drunk, so hence the very dramatic reaction to Ruth’s departure.
I haven’t thought about this incident in years, and Ruth and I are still very close to this day. We maintained our friendship outside of work, and she is a special person in my life.
The reason I am writing about it today is because I had a similar incident happen this past week.
Abandonment Round Two
I receive all of my mail at the local UPS Store. I have always loved that place. The owner used to have the funniest staff, and they would make you laugh every time you went to pick up your mail.
Recently, they have had a string of turnover, and there was just one of the original staff members working there.
His name is Tom, and he is in his early to mid-thirties. He is hilarious in a smart-ass kind-of way, and I just love seeing Tom every day. He also is sober, and we share that special connection.
Tom also prints all of my greeting cards that I sell on this page and on my website. I interact with him all of the time.
So, lo and behold…last week Tom told me that he is moving back to Wisconsin and this week would be his last week at the UPS Store.
What?!
It hit me hard. I was sad. I have thought about it for the past week. I was wondering if I should give him a card and tell him how much he has impacted my life. I didn’t quite know what to do.
Yesterday, I went into the store, thinking it was his last day. The store was unusually busy, and the owner handed my printing to Tom to check me out. Everyone there knows that Tom and I have a special bond.
I asked him if it was his last day and he told me he wasn’t leaving until Friday.
In true Rene fashion, I burst into tears.
Thank goodness we were at the corner register where there was a tiny bit of privacy. And, I told him that it really sucked that he was leaving and that I was going to miss him a lot.
He walked me to my car and I told him what a special person he is to me. We hugged, and he said he would see me before he left.
Feeling embarrassed by my outburst, I don’t want to go back into the store this week. I don’t want to break out in tears again, and I my emotions are unpredictable. I don’t control them. They just happen.
This is the second time in my life where I feel extreme loss over someone departing from my daily routine.
Too often I judge my feelings and how I react to things. Geeze Rene, what is wrong with you?!
Feeling all the feels.
Yesterday, I went back to my office, and I cried a bit more. And, I realized that it’s okay to cry when someone you love is leaving your life.
In fact, it’s good to cry.
This is a gift of sobriety.
I feel things.
No. No.
I FEEL things. That’s more like it.
I am experiencing life in the raw with no anesthesia. It feels good to cry. It feels good to love my UPS store clerk and to be sad that he’s leaving.
It feels good to feel.
#grateful
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