Can you Handle the Goodness in Your Life or the Blessings of Sobriety?

Ahhh…it’s Monday. And, I am coming off of a heavy soul-searching weekend.

It’s going to sound silly to you when you hear the root cause that instigated this quest for inner discovery this weekend. Or maybe it won’t.

Lately, I have been feeling like I am in a tornado. Literally, I have been envisioning furniture (chairs to be specific) flying at me. They are light and airy, but chairs, no less.

My life feels like it is moving at such high speed, and I am in a vortex of goodness. And this tornado I describe is a tornado of abundance.

Tornado of Abundance

Good things are happening quickly and often. Have you ever been caught in a tornado of goodness?

It’s pretty effing amazing! And a little bit unnerving at the same time. Beautiful things are coming to pass at such a rapid pace. It feels unbalanced at times.

But I have been going with it—riding the high, if you will—for the entire month of April.

You may remember that I started having work done on my house last fall. It was the beginning of a very long and slow process to put my house into shape. I haven’t done any work on this house since I bought it more than 17 years ago.

Built in the 40’s, the lathe and plaster walls were cracking, the wood floors needed to be refinished, etc. I wrote a post about this process, as it has really felt like I am rebuilding my home just as I have been rebuilding my life for the past four years in sobriety.

The house finally started to come together in April, and it feels like a brand-new home to me. The walls are beautiful and have been sanded to a buttery finish. The floors, stained in a warm and earthy brown, shine bright.

I can’t tell you how good being in this home makes me feel. I feel grounded and nested. I feel special.

Feeling Special

I also celebrated my birthday in April, so a friend and I took a little time off to relax in the tropics of Mexico. My friend is a luxury travel advisor, so we got to stay in two different five-star resorts.

I have never stayed in a five-star resort. And, I may never travel the same again.

Um. WOW!

Now talk about feeling special. These people at high-end luxury resorts really know how to make a girl feel special.

In addition to remodeling my bungalow and going on a fab vacation, I am launching my own skincare line in my beauty and acne clinic. The first boxes of products arrived on Friday, and I am so proud and excited to launch my new brand. And, I must say that the packaging is beautiful. Once again…I am feeling pretty filled-up.

And, if that isn’t enough goodness in the month of April, I was asked to join a group of ladies for a sobriety birthday celebration this week. My friendships are expanding and my life is joyful.

When I first got sober, I would have never imagined myself with these ladies. I felt less than. I didn’t feel good enough. I felt different from them. And yesterday, I laughed with them. I connected with them. And, I felt a part of them.

And, so what is the point of this long drawn out detail of goodness happening in my life?

When Goodness Feels Uncomfortable

The point is that I bought a pack of cigarettes on Friday. Capri Menthols to exact. Yes, when I smoke, I opt for the elegant and tasteful long skinny Capris! (I am laughing so hard right now.)

I haven’t smoked in close to two years. I started smoking regularly when I began my journey into trying to get sober, and it’s a tough habit to quit.

So, with close to two years under my belt, I couldn’t believe I was off to the liquor store to buy a pack of cigarettes.

Oh, where should I go? I don’t want anyone to see me. What will the liquor store clerk think of me? (These are the thoughts that go through my head.) Crazy, right?

And, so I made it home and lit one up! A cool breath of nastiness right into my lungs! Ah…relief.

Relief from what?

That’s what it triggered for me too. Everything is so great. I am in hurricane of goodness. How could I possibly want to have smoke?

The cigarette is a red flag for me. It’s a warning sign. Red alert. Red alert. What’s happening?

And, so I did some soul searching. How could I possibly want to smoke after nearly two years?

Well, the only thing I could think of is “worthiness.” It all comes down to subconsciously feeling unworthy of so much goodness.

When things get “too good,” I start feeling a bit uncomfortable. I am not used to this “good” life. Although I am getting much better at it.

It reminds me of a scene from A Few Good Men when Jack Nicholson yells, “You can’t handle the truth!”

This weekend, I felt like he was yelling at me, “You can’t handle the goodness!”

Well…that’s it in a nutshell. Life is good. It’s real good.

After the beautiful birthday celebration last night, I smoked one last cigarette and broke the rest of the pack to pieces. I am not into self-sabotage anymore.

I love that I can now identify quickly when my psyche is off. I know immediately when there is some digging to do into my soul.

My motto for May is going to be, “I can handle all the goodness you can throw at me. Bring it. I am ready!”

Can you handle the goodness?

P.S. I did find a half-smoked cigarette in my outdoor planter this morning. I smoked it. Hey…what the heck.