There are no “shoulds” in sobriety.

I had an interesting phenomenon take place over Easter weekend that hasn’t happened to me in quite a while.

I was invited to church and lunch with one of my favorite friends’ family. They are newlyweds with a young daughter whom I adore, grandparents who are a riot and just an all-around great group of people to be around.

They attend a large church in Orange County. When I say large…I mean massive. It’s a church with a campus. I guess these are probably normal in big cities, but I am a small-town girl used to a small Catholic church that sits on the edge of the local senior center.

I went to a workshop at their church over the course of a few Sundays, and it feels like walking into the scene from a movie production. There are extras everywhere…kids swinging and running and playing. Ice cream dripping from cones as people converse. There are people everywhere…for miles. It’s seriously a scene I have never witnessed.

I am not really into church. I love the rituals of the Catholic church and that is probably the one church I feel the most comfortable because I was raised Catholic. But church in general is not my thing.

So, I opted out of church and said I would meet them for lunch after. I love that I did this. It’s something I have learned how to do in sobriety—be honest and stop people pleasing. In the past, I may have gone with them because I would have thought, you can’t just go for the lunch…what will they think? Oh, the horror! Ha ha!

And, I may have made up a story about why I wouldn’t be able to attend the service. But those days are behind me. I don’t make up stories anymore. I simply said, I am going to pass on church, but I would love to join you for lunch. And, that’s what I did.

Spirituality isn’t only found at church.

If you must know…I pray every day throughout the day. I am in constant communication with my higher power, and I like to call it God. I go to AA meetings regularly…and if you have never been, it’s better than any church service I have ever attended.

I feel really good in the spiritual realm of my life. I don’t need to attend mass or any other service to connect with God. He’s right here inside of me all of the time. But I do need to acknowledge him and connect. The more I connect spiritually, the better my life feels.

My friend made a fabulous lunch at her home. As we sat around the dining room table, the conversation turned to her sister’s recent visit to a new church and the different practices and rituals they exercised. She described how this church interpreted the bible, and so on.

Thank goodness my friend’s sister dominated the conversation, and there wasn’t much room to chime in, but there were others who were candidly discussing the ins and outs of the bible.

See how I said that. The ins and outs of the bible. “Ins and outs” is short for “I don’t know much about the Bible—at all.”

I sat there feeling quite inadequate. I couldn’t pipe into the conversation. I just sat there silently taking it all in and also feeling a bit stupid. I don’t know the new testament from the old testament or why Jesus had a soft spot for Timothy (I think that’s what they said).

It was so interesting. I was witnessing this conversation and I also was witnessing what was happening in my head. I felt insecure and naïve. But I also know these people well, and I didn’t need to participate in this conversation. They love me whether I know about Job or not.

There are a few things I know about myself—for sure. I am fairly street savvy. I have an innate ability to gage emotional stability within people, and I am able to relate to everyone. I am not, however, book smart. I haven’t read a ton of books. I don’t watch much TV (hence I make a terrible trivia partner). I do not know a lot of random facts. Facts bore me.

I am not interested in politics. I don’t watch the news and I don’t read the newspaper. Agh! I feel like I am really laying myself out there for all of you to think…jeez woman…get a life!

Yep…I don’t know much about facts, history, politics or the bible. And, I feel kind of dumb at dinner parties or networking events. But—it makes me wonder—when was the last time I actually went to a dinner party?! I am totally cracking up.

You might be wondering…what do you think about then? Well…I think about things that ignite my soul. I think about love and kindness. I think about human interaction. I think about connecting more deeply to my higher power. I witness miracles daily and I love to share about those miracles.

Feeling Small

My friends…on this past Easter Sunday, I was feeling small at the dinner table. I kind of wanted to escape…run out of there. And it wasn’t until later this week, in pondering why I was feeling so insecure that I realized my gifts.

I can’t tell you about the book of Job, but I can listen to what’s on your heart. God blessed me with a wonderful gift, and it is the gift of listening and connecting to others. I need to remember my gifts. We all need to know what our special gifts are.

I don’t fit into a mold of what I think I “should” be. I am just me. And I am actually pretty in love with the me I am discovering.