I didn’t know it at the time.

I didn’t know it at the time that my life had forever changed on this day, January 14, 2014.

It wasn’t until five or six days later that I even realized that January 14 should be earmarked as a momentous day. I remember sitting in my back yard smoking a Capri menthol and realizing that I hadn’t had a drink in five or six days. (Yes, I used to smoke, and I smoked those sissy cigs…Capris. They felt a little more elegant than Marlboro Reds.)

It was amazing that I hadn’t had a drink, but what was even more remarkable was that I wasn’t trying to “not” drink. I simply hadn’t had one and it hadn’t crossed my mind.

It felt a bit different. I wasn’t “willing” myself to not have a drink. I wasn’t white knuckling it or struggling to stay sober. I simply was.

Looking back on it now, it was as if I had “ceased fighting” the drink…a surrender of sorts. I had been graced with a few days without turning to the bottle.

But I was unsure, and I didn’t trust myself to earmark any day as “the day” I got sober. So, I simply made a mental note that January 14 was the first day I hadn’t drank any alcohol.

And so, it was four years ago today that I put down the bottle.
It may sound so simple and easy to a reader who doesn’t know my story. Ah…she just decided to quit drinking one day, and so she did. Not quite.

Oh, if it could have only been that easy…. but wait, if it had been that easy, I wouldn’t have gotten to learn all the vast life lessons I have learned over the past eight years (yes, eight).

I began my long journey toward sobriety with my first drink and my first blackout when I was 14 years old. It was the first of many more drinks and many more blackouts to come. I held it together for many years. I graduated from college, secured a corporate job, bought a house, moved to California, rescued a few dogs, and had an overall good time.

In 2010, I turned forty and I also began the dark downward spiral with my drinking. Life was beginning to unravel for me.

My demise felt fast and furious.

It was in 2010 that I began to drink all day long. I will never forget the first morning I bought a gallon of vodka at 8 a.m. and proceeded to glug it down throughout the day.

I started my journey toward sobriety in 2010. I recognized that I had a problem. I was addicted to alcohol and to a man in my life. I was certain I couldn’t leave him, and I knew I couldn’t get sober while I was with him.

I also was introduced to a 12-step program in 2010. And, it was there that I heard this phrase that became my prayer for the next several years. “God, do for me that which I cannot do for myself.” That prayer went through my head every day over and over again.

When I think about those days now, I feel like I was caught in a tornado that was spinning me round and round and round, and there was no way out.

I kept praying. I kept going to 12 step meetings even though I wasn’t practicing the program. And, I started surrounding myself with people who were living life in sobriety. And, I did this for four years.

The man finally left me in 2012, and I started giving this sober thing a real try. I stumbled a lot, but I was graced with this beautiful gift of sobriety.

And, it has been a magical and miraculous life-changing event for me. But it hasn’t been all rainbows and butterflies. There have been some very dark days in the last four years, and I have felt every emotion possible; from rage to sober euphoria. It’s like waking up on a roller coaster daily…and guess what? I am down for it! Let the ride begin.

This past year I have begun to tap into a peace that I have not known before. The roller coaster seems to be evening out a bit. After four years, I feel like I am just finally sinking into this new way of life. It becomes me.

I am grateful that I was blessed with the gift of sobriety, and I am grateful for all the experiences that brought me here.

***Many of my friends from 2010 to 2012 (well, to be honest there weren’t many friends left at that point in my life), but the few friends I still was in contact with didn’t think there was much hope for me to ever get sober. I was drinking all day every day. The point of me mentioning this is that there is hope for even the most hopeless.