I just love Lady Gaga, and as I was driving down Pacific Coast Highway this morning, she came on the radio. I blasted it loud “P p p poker face, p p p poker face!” I seriously love pumping up the tunes in my car and singing at the top of my lungs.
I lived the first 43 years of my life with a poker face. Now, it was a face that my cousin likes to call “Little Miss Sunshine.” It didn’t matter what was happening in my life, I was always smiling and saying everything was “just fine.” It was my poker face. It was a survival skill I learned at a young age and it served me well for many years.
In the last few years, have slowly been unmasking my poker face and tapping into something really effing scary. VULNERABILITY.
Being vulnerable is similar to being courageous, but I think it takes courage to a whole other level.
Being vulnerable feels like unzipping a life jackets that is securely placed around my heart. As I slowly, or not so slowly unzip it, I feel exposed with nowhere to hide. I feel insecure and at risk.
It’s a feeling like no other. It can be exhilarating and get the adrenaline pumping. Or it can paralyze me with fear after doing something silly or saying what’s truly on my heart and then worrying about what people think. It’s a head trip for sure.
Just writing about it makes my heart race a bit. So, just what is vulnerability? I suppose we all have our own definition and our own level of comfort with this scary emotion.
Here is what it is for me:
Vulnerability is dancing…yes dancing! OMG. I am so afraid to dance. What-oh-what will people think? I have no rhythm. I got no moves. It scares the living crap out of me. I didn’t even like to do it when I was full of liquid courage, so that should tell you how much it scares me.
Vulnerability is saying no thank you to things I don’t want to do and not making up an excuse for why I am saying no. Simply no thanks. Nothing personal. It’s just not my jam.
Vulnerability is saying yes to things that I want to do but terrify me.
Vulnerability is being honest. I’m not talking about the kind of honesty where you take an apple back to the store when the clerk forgot to charge you for it. Well, yes, that kind of honesty too. But I am talking about honesty in the really tough situations of life. The situations where I am talking about emotions and deep interpersonal stuff.
Vulnerability is being brave and courageous to march to the beat of my own drum.
Vulnerability is connecting with people on a deep level by exposing myself and my innermost thoughts with them and listening to their secret desires, mishaps and fears. It is at this level of sharing that I find love and spirituality.
Vulnerability is softening my heart and being open to love.
Vulnerability is sharing these daily posts on Facebook. Each time I hit publish, I say a little prayer and then quickly close the computer. That’s a super common response from me when I am in vulnerable position…I want to run and put my head under a pillow and not come out for a few days.
Vulnerability is allowing myself to be seen and heard.
Vulnerability is like throwing caution to the wind and deciding to not allow fear to rule my world.
Have y’all figured out that I’ve got issues? I am cracking up while I write this. I am thinking just don’t take yourself so freaking seriously. Lighten up. But, I digress.
Vulnerability is about having faith in God that I can open up and be my true self. It’s knowing that others feel the same way but are too scared or afraid to say anything. My voice may give them strength.
Today, I am committing to being vulnerable in all aspects of my life. My heart is wide open, and the possibilities are endless.
I find that vulnerability is where the magic happens. It’s where the juju of life resides. It is where you taste the sweet nectar of living.
God is calling to me. Rene open-up and be vulnerable. Don’t be afraid. I am right here. Breathe me into your soul and experience this great magical world. Life is not a spectator sport. It is meant to be played.
I am not running around with a poker face anymore. Vulnerability takes daily practice to consciously decide that I am not going to allow my life and actions to be influenced by fear. I am jumping in!
And, guess what? I am going to take a dance class. I might even document my dance journey along the way! Oh, Holy Moly! Now that just might be too much vulnerability.
I would love to hear from you. What is that makes you vulnerable?