There’s some old adage about the “ugly truth of things.” It’s funny, but upon reflection, I find that there’s nothing ugly about the truth. It’s an old story that I have been replaying in my mind for years.
The false story is this. That I’m not enough just as I am. That somehow if I act and do like others, I will be liked and accepted. That pretending to be something I’m not is way better than just being good ol’ me.
Growing up and into my early adulthood, I have been a chameleon like no other. Tell me how to dance, and I will dance for you. When I dated a cowboy, I became a cowgirl with a big belt buckle and ropers to match. When I dated an iron man, I became an athlete (even though I hated working out.) The list is long of the personas I have taken on in order to fit in or be with a guy.
I remember waking up when the iron man would call on the weekends, and I would act all out of breath and tell him I just got home from the gym when in reality, I just rolled out of bed.
So when I became sober, I started realizing the vastness of my fraudulent behavior through life. And when I meet people who have fraudulent tendencies, my radar goes off immediately.
Lately the sirens have been blaring and it’s caused me to look within. I really hate that saying, “if you spot it, you got it.” I have had to ask myself if there are places in my life where I’m being fraudulent.
And lo and behold, YES! Argh! Seriously. Again?!
So…I have recently been on a quest to lead a more nutritious and healthy lifestyle. I joined a 21-day fitness challenge and I asked a nutritionist to take a look at my eating for 30 days. Each day, I am supposed to log in with post-workout pictures and I’m supposed to diary all of my food and drink choices.
Here’s what I found. I spritzed my face with skin toner one day before I took the post-workout picture to look more sweaty.
(There had been comments in the group that I didn’t sweat very much.)
I didn’t log my food honestly. I hired a nutritionist to work with me on my diet, and then I proceeded to lie about what I was eating. I only included the healthy choices. I left out that I ate a whole jar of peanut butter in three days and that I had two pints of Halo Top ice cream within the last two weeks.
Now, let me tell you the beautiful truth. Yes, my diet wasn’t ???? clean, but wholly heck, it’s a HUGE improvement over the pint of Ben and Jerry’s I had been eating every night for the last six months. I may not be giving ???? to my daily workouts, but I have only missed two workouts in three weeks. This is HUGE for me. I have actually been moving each day at least 30 minutes. And I’m seeing results.
So after this big realization that I was once again beginning to lie about things…little things…things that don’t matter, my soul was screaming for me to stop the madness and anchor in to authenticity.
My sweet soul tells me these things. You are perfect just the way you are (whether you eat a pint of Halo Top or a pint of Ben and Jerry’s). You are loved whether you sweat when you workout or not. You can be you…plain…simple…you
I love this sober life.